Sometimes I Just Despair...

…for American youth! I mean, just one semester of “Common Sense 101” before they get through the 12th grade would make a world of difference in their ability to handle all sorts of life's challenges. Oh yeah – that’s right…a whole lot of them never get as far as the 12th grade before they drop out. SO sad!

Case in point: This evening I stopped at my local grocery to pick up a small square piece of Tuxedo Cake (which, if you’re not familiar with it, is a very scrumptious marble cake with chocolate mousse and other sinful substances in it). Well, it was 6:30pm, and since the bakery section is literally attached to the service deli section, and I know the service deli is open and manned until 8pm, I figure I’ve got a pretty good chance of coming away with that little slice (literally) of heaven.

Not as easy as that, Missy.

The first thing I notice at the deserted bakery section is a sign, helpfully saying, “Open from 7am ‘til ___“. Hmm. ‘Til when? Thinking quickly, I scour the surface of the counter and the nearby floor with my eagle eyes to see if there’s maybe a lone number floating around that might give me a hint about when they think they’ll close. Nothing.

Meanwhile, I notice a lone man behind the service deli. I catch his attention and ask him to please call a bakery person to assist me. “Oh,” he says dubiously, “there’s nobody there right now.” I expect he thought I’d go away defeated at that point but nope, if he has secretly assassinated the bakery person he’s going to have to hide the body under my scrutiny.

At last, convinced that I’m not going away, he indicates that he’ll be with me after he's helped some other customers, which is fair enough. I smile in a patient, cooperating manner.

Aha - the plot thickens! As I wait, a slim, blonde, recent-high-school-graduate type of guy appears and carefully chooses a hair net as he tells me he’ll help me in a moment. I nod as he puts on his mandatory apron however I notice that he does NOT put on any mandatory, disposable, plastic gloves. Okay – his hands look clean, so I’m hoping for the best.

“How can I help you?” he offers, and I point to the glass cabinet and tell him about wanting a small square of Tuxedo Cake. I helpfully point out that I don’t see any small squares in the in showcase but I DO see three whole cakes, and could he maybe cut a nice, small square out of one of them for me?

He looks at me blankly for a moment then explains that he actually works in the SERVICE DELI (as though it’s on a separate planet from the bakery) and he really doesn’t know where the bakery people keep anything or how they do anything. He says he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to cut the cake up but he CAN put one in a box for me. Hmm. This remains to be seen.

Well, okay, I’m willing to help the kid out, since he’s clearly close to panic. “Not to worry,” say I. “I’ll just take a whole cake this time.” (I’m despairing of my and Al’s diet as a result but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do).

Slightly relieved, Captain Efficiency looks into the showcase for a moment and starts wandering from side to side. It becomes clear that he has no clue what a Tuxedo Cake looks like. Hey, why would he? He’s a Service Deli guy! They don’t know from no stinking Tuxedo Cakes! I helpfully point them out to him, and he reaches in and takes one of these 8” by 5-1/2” cakes and moves it to the counter. From here he proceeds to hunt (rather like the quest for a unicorn) for an appropriate box.

Nothing.

Vast wasteland.

There appear to be clear, plastic containers of various sizes, and upon the intervention of the other service deli guy (remember him?) a black, plastic “bottom” is miraculously located. Now to find the lid…

Ahem - Now to find the Lid.

The LID, Captain – the cover-of-the-container.

No.

Not happening.

The kid looks at me in despair, and tells me he can’t find a box!! He quite clearly is hoping I will now give up my quest for the cake and just turn around and leave so he can put this trauma behind him. No, I’m more determined and stubborn than he is, and besides, Al specifically asked for a piece of Tuxedo Cake, and since he rarely asks, I want to satisfy his sweet tooth. “Look,” I said, pointing to Cabinet #2. “There’s a pile of some kind of paper objects in there that you just fold up and it becomes a box. Take a look.”

Aha! That’ll work!

Sort of.

Nearly at his wit’s end (a short trip, that) he grabs one of these flat contraptions and makes a valiant effort to fold it into a cake box. Clearly he’s never read “Cake Boxes For Dummies” because the darned thing is giving him a world of trouble! After about a minute and a half he succeeds in getting a kind of rectangle out of the bottom half, and he lovingly places the 8” x 5.5” cake into the bottom of this 15” x 11” box. I’m shaking my head but hey, the kid’s giving it his best shot.

After another minute of awkward and fairly ineffective origami, the kid succeeds in closing the top over the bottom! Well, never mind that there are two flaps on the rear end of the box waving in the wind like sea lion flippers – he’s got the box closed over the cake!! YAY!

Now he’s got to produce the price label and slap it onto the box. Thankfully, these labels are self-adhesive, so he’s ahead of the game. I watch him approach the scale/label maker and punch in what I assume is the code for the Tuxedo Cake. Optimist that I am, I was fooling myself. I now see him locate a pen and write something on the label. Okay. It’s progress.

He lifts the box and turns to me, looking as though he’s entirely aware of how foolish his entire effort has appeared but still hoping I’ll grab the box and leave him alone.

Nope. Can’t do it.

“Don’t hand that box to me,” said I, “until you tape it down. Obviously nobody has trained you on how to fold that thing, so please let’s give me a fighting chance to get it home in one piece?” Well, that makes sense so the kid hunts for and finally locates the clear tape, and tapes the box closed.

“You know,” I say in a friendly manner as he hands me the cake (which I’m trying to hold still so it doesn’t slide from side to side in its huge coffin) “it probably would be a good idea if you asked for a little cross-training.” “Oh, I’m not in bakery,” he points out for the second time, “I’m actually in Service Deli.” I smile encouragingly. “Tonight you were in Bakery, weren’t you?”

Turning from the bewildered Captain Efficiency and trying not to notice that there’s a fly celebrating its good fortune in the pastry showcase, I wend my way to the checkout aisles, holding my prize in both arms.

Happily, I notice the guy who not only checks out customers but is also one of the Assistant Managers, so I got into his aisle. When my turn to pay comes along, he looks at the ludicrous box with something close to despair. Luckily he recognizes what it is, because the hard-won label Captain Efficiency has slapped onto the box doesn’t have any item name or price on it, and just barely has SOME sort of barcode on it. As he shakes his head I recap my Adventure in Bakeryland for  him and once again suggest that a little cross training might go a long way. With his apology bolstering me, I carry away the cake and take it home.

Like I said at the beginning – just a small dose of Common Sense would’ve saved this young man a world of embarrassment and me about 15 minutes of dumbstruck incredulity. All he had to do was ask the manager for help. HE knew precisely where both halves of the appropriate container were kept.

Oh well. I hope the kid grows out of it and comes to some sort of sense some day. If not – well, who knows what’ll come next? I left the store sort of sad, wondering if the kid would’ve been able to learn some common sense if it was embedded in a video game… Sigh. What a pity.

The cake tasted wonderful, by the way…

SPOOK - You gotta check this out!!

I'm presently reading a wonderfully written book by Mary Roach called "Spook - Science Tackles the Afterlife".  I want to heartily recommend you read not only this book, but ALL of Mary Roach's books, which can be easily found on Amazon.com, both in hard copy and for Kindle.

The subject this time is the research (both legitimate and ill-) into finding, weighing, discovering, and/or communicating with the human soul once it's shucked the mortal coil.  I'm really enjoying this book, not only because the subject is intrinsically interesting but because Mary Roach is a very wonderful and amusing writer!  I've laughed aloud at LEAST once per chapter - her style is so entirely readable that it's like having a full, five course dinner with every course being dessert!

Give this book a try!   Find it on Amazon.com here:

http://www.amazon.com/Spook-Science-Afterlife-Mary-Roach/dp/0393329127/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283204098&sr=1-4


or just look her up. 

It's a Family, After All!

So naturally, seeing the title of my last post involved brothers, my sister read it, and sent me an email, noting how interesting it was to "learn about how a writer thinks and perceives the world."  So naturally I wrote back to her, and once again thought you'd like to share in some of the thoughts.  Again, it's slightly paraphrased for your benefit.  (Isn't it fun to "read" someone else's mail?)

I promise I'll stop talking about The Siliphore after this post (for a while, anyway, until the 3rd book has been published.)

I was chatting with a friend who's a real whirlwind - always busy and she's a sort of "girly girl" in many ways. She's very affectionate and chatty and feminine and romantic, and I said to her that it's too bad she's too busy to sit down with a book because she'd really enjoy mine - she'd absolutely fall in love with the characters and become very emotionally involved with everything that happens to them.


I'm hoping this will happen to everyone who reads The Siliphore - even those people who don't really go in for fantasy. That's what makes any genre of book a good experience - if the reader cares what happens to the characters. All my characters are very real, complete people with principles and foibles; strengths and weaknesses that they act upon in a real way that any of us might emulate. Hey, even my "bad guy" isn't all bad - nobody is. He too is a very real, and in many ways attractive person.

This is NOT a "dungeons and dragons" sort of story. It's not a modern world but it's not a world with "magic", either. Just one basic factor makes it fantasy instead of just...literature.

I hope you do buy the book and I hope you love it enough to tell your friends both face to face and online to buy and read it, too because it's my own exploration of many things we all think about, and I think there's a lot of wisdom in it.   The story explores things like the nature of God, how people meet the challenges confronting them, and how they try to change to become what the world needs them to be. It also deals with the different ways people face the death of a loved one, and how they meet and cope with betrayal, and how sometimes they strike back and sometimes they're forced to understand how damaging that can be and that they really shouldn't strike back. It shows people struggling to put someone else's needs before their own, and sometimes they fail at that.  It also deals with the various facets, the pain, the joy and the sacrifices of love.  Oh, it's a very complete world with far more real issues for the characters to face than unreal ones!

Can you tell that I REALLY like what I've written and want to share it with you?  Well, yeah - that's the way it ought to be, isn't it.
                                          

Questions From My Brother - Answered!

I recently sent out an announcement to my friends and family about the publishing of Book Two of my trilogy. The Siliphore (you can see the covers of books 1 and 2 if you scroll down to an earlier post).


My brother sent me a letter in return, asking some questions about the books, and my answer to him contained so much information I thought you’d enjoy hearing it also. You’re also welcome to comment and ask questions. Here’s what I said to my brother (only slightly paraphrased for your benefit):I


Thanks for buying Book One – all I ask is that if you like it spread the word both by mouth and over the internet because that’s the only way I really have to let the world know the books are out there. I don’t get any free copies of the books – I even have to purchase the proof copies, so I can’t afford to buy 50 copies and peddle them at events or in the street. I’m primarily trying to spread the word via the Internet, so any and all assistance is greatly appreciated! Believe me – WRITING the books is the EASY part!!!


I’ve self-published through Amazon.com and will be doing so as well through Barnes & Noble if they ever finish the development of their competing self-publishing venue. I’d LOVE to put the books on tape but I’d have to pay for the production, and can’t afford it.  If anyone out there knowsw how that can be accomplished, please let me know!

I hope you like the covers of the books – I designed them and even took the photos on books 1 and 3. Al took the photo of me that appears on the back, (though my hair is MUCH longer now) and of course, I wrote the précis that appears on the back. That was really hard – in a précis you have to tell just enough about the story to interest a reader while revealing nothing!! Yeow!


All 3 books are presently available through Amazon for the Kindle eBook reader but I’m going through and proofing/editing the hard copy of book 3 before I release it. It’s actually much easier to find errors and better word/phrase choices when the book’s in hard copy, though I don’t know why that is. Every time I submit a newly edited version I also re-submit the file for Kindle, so both venues are consistent.


If you wonder why each book costs progressively more (in hard copy, that is… they all cost $10 each via Kindle) it’s because MY cost is calculated per page. The more pages, the more it costs to produce it, plus if Amazon sells them via other venues (libraries, bookstores, conventions, etc) their costs go way up, and my royalty plunges to less than a dollar per book! That’s why they’re priced that way – so that if Amazon sells them to a library or something I don’t end up having to PAY THEM for each book!!! Difficult business to get rich in, believe me!! That’s why authors being interviewed on TV talk shows are always introduced as “author, lecturer, teacher, and shoe lace collector” and so forth. Very few people just write for a living!

As for the books themselves, I actually wrote them years ago but was able to edit them into a better story through this process. They were originally sort of spewed out of my head but I think I’ve honed them into a complex and involving hero journey. There’s a lot in them – the most important factor of which is deeply believable characters who do and react to things in a realistic way, and with whom one can sympathize, identify, and empathize. I recall that many years ago I let our mother read the first book, (I don’t think I’d finished the 2nd at the time) and at first she tried to assign each character to real people. “Oh, this character is your sister, isn’t it?” she’d say, and I’d emphatically deny it, as THAT character was doing things our sister’s personality would never have let her do.

Naturally, the characters do contain aspects of many people I know personally; myself chief amongst them, of course but there are actually only four characters who were modeled after specific people. Two are minor characters and two are major; one of whom ironically seems to be the only caricature-like person in the trilogy! If you want to look for me in the characters, I fancy myself as three of them, one of whom is not immediately presented. DO let me know what you think and who you think represents me!


There’s violence in all of the books, some of which is a bit extreme and rather graphic. I remember that our mother was worried about that; wondering how I’d ever thought up such heinous goings-on, (lest she had secretly harbored an insane monster?). I admitted that it had taken some time to think up the nasty stuff, as I’m actually quite a peaceful person. Violence is so much easier to imagine if it remains outside the realm of reality. I think she felt better that it hadn’t come to me easily, though I suspect she remained a bit cautious. Actually, some aspects of the violence, especially in Book One, are more sensual than blatantly cruel, and represent an imposed dominance rather than brutality. Well, see for yourself and you’ll clearly see what I mean. Now that I think of it, some of the violence in Book Two IS deliberately cruel but it’s done for a purpose and by a character to whom it DOES come naturally. I don’t use gratuitous violence – there’s always a purpose to it.


There’s also a lot of intimately described sex in the books but I wrote those scenes without melodrama and they flow naturally and read quite nicely. If they stimulate the reader, so much the better; not only for the reader’s gratification but because any emotional reaction to the characters or situations make the reader more closely involved in the book, adding to their enjoyment. Those scenes either promote character relationships or plot development (Yes! Sex as plot development! It happens!) and in all three books there is only one instance of deliberately gratuitous sex but it’s fun to read and I refuse to write it out!!


Publishing these books has actually been a life-long dream of mine, and seeing them appear in hard copy in especially-chosen colors with photos I’ve taken (exception: book 2’s photo is a public domain image) is a truly wonderful feeling. While it can be a bit intimidating, since it’s true that one reveals oneself in one’s writing, I welcome one and all to look inside my head in my books – there’s a lot of laughing and poetry and conflicts, and a few surprises…just like real life, only with maybe a tiny touch of unreality thrown in.


Enjoy it with my gratitude and love!!

Birds as Guard Dogs

Yes, I know it sounds somewhat ridiculous, but it's true. 

Birds, being flock-centric, are very sensitive to outsiders coming near the home territory, and naturally want to warn the entire flock about the intruder.  You never know when your gardener might actually be a predator waiting to sup on Parrot Pie or a Cockatoo Cocktail.  It could happen!  Be on the alert!

Rover, my Umbrella Cockatoo is always on guard, and lets us know QUITE LOUDLY** when anyone comes into our back yard.   You can literally hear him trumpeting from 2 houses away (yes, I tested it) when he's really upset.  He shouts about our gardener, our pool guys (who like to have whistling contests with Dorian - kind of cute!) any of the neighborhood cats, and especially large shadows that may belong to passing Eagles (and often DO). 

** meaning, to the point of ear pain


You should see him when he's in full territorial mode and goes into full display!  By that I mean that he puffs out his feathers, raises the semi-circle of feathers around his head, and spreads out his beautiful wings, the underside of which are snowy white and pale yellow (gee, that sounds like a fairy tale title, doesn't it?).   He's VERY impressive!!  Rover's rather larger than the average cockatoo - probably because, being the insane creature I am, I cut up fruits and vegetables for the birds every day so they're REALLY healthy.  Anyway, Rover's maybe 2 feet long from head to tail, and his wingspan is proportionately large, so when he displays and trumpets, he's quite intimidating.  Also DEAFENING!  I have to admit that hearing him is a very different sort of experience than just looking at him.  My husband Al actually has suffered hearing loss from living with these birds for 20 years!  Yeah.  He has.  Really.  No, I'm not kidding.  Just ask him.  Only speak loudly.  It's one of the reasons you NEVER want to let a bird sit on your shoulder, despite how "Jack Sparrow" it may look, but I'll talk about that in another post.

Anyway, Rover's the best of our 3 birds to be the watch-bird, and he's always on the job.

Polgara, the Orange-Winged Amazon Parrot honestly couldn't care less unless the prospective attacker goes anywhere near her cage.  He'd better count his fingers before leaving, because I guarantee she'll have one or two of them!  She, like most Amazons, is not only very territorial, she's quite aggressive!  She'll defend her own territory (ie her cage) but she really doesn't care what happens to the rest of the world.

Dorian (the African Grey) is a big coward, and has been heard to shriek like a little girl if someone he doesn't know comes near him - especially with a long-handled object, like a broom, in their hand.

Sadly, the reason for the attitudes of Rover and Polgara are a result of abuse by a pet store owner.  Yes, Al and I rescued them, 20 years ago, and our ownership of them has certainly become a prime example of "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished."  See, they're a great deal of work, not only in handling them and giving them attention (and make no mistake - birds need as much attention as a child!!) but in housework, because they're horribly messy.  Think about it - their job in nature is to spread seeds around. Yes, they throw food!  Far!  Also, not having hands, they play by using their mouths to chew on everything within reach!

But back to the evil pet store issue - because of that jerk, Polgara will never fully trust a human, and it's only through dedicated time spent with her that Al can handle her at all. She just plain doesn't like me, even though I'm the one who feeds her every day.  Maybe it's because I take away her food and water dishes every morning, and my bringing them back full and clean doesn't make up for that original crime.  I don't know.

Rover's the really sad case, though.  See, normally Cockatoos are very well known to be cuddly, loving, sweet tempered animals.  The abuse Rover underwent really made him into a sort of "special needs child" because everything frightens him.  Taking him out of his cage makes him so excited he forgets how to behave and sort of loses control, and it's taken many years for him to trust us enough to allow us to pet him.  He still won't let anyone hug him, probably because that horrible pet store guy used to put on welding gloves and pick the bird off the perch to force-feed him (yes, we observed him doing this awful thing!!).  So he's a sweet, demented bird who might live to be 80, and may never fully recover his sanity.

Well, they're all covered and asleep at this point - and yes they all put their heads onto their backs to go to sleep for the night.  Naps are taken by fluffing up the feathers and settling down maybe on one foot, but night time is head-on-the-back time.  So I say to you all - goodnight for now.

The Siliphore - A new Fantasy Trilogy

I'm very excited to announce that the first and second books of my trilogy, The Siliphore, are available for sale!  This is a wonderful fantasy story, filled with very real and wonderful characters, as well as romance, conflict, humor, songs, violence, betrayal, HOT sex, and much, much more!

All three are available for Amazon Kindle through Amazon.com, but only books one and two are available in hard copy.

Dive in! 

Book One may be purchased through this link:  The Siliphore Book One KINGDOM

Book Two may be purchased through this link:  The Siliphore Book Two PRINCES

First Meandering Thoughts

Here I sit with Dorian Grey, my African Grey Parrot on my knee, wondering if he's going to decorate my pants for the third time today.  Sigh.  Owning large birds isn't the barrel of fun people think it is, though I admit he has his moments of flawless adorability.  (Anyone with questions about living with a Grey,  an Orange-Winged Amazon, or an Umbrella Cockatoo is welcome to ask and I'll try to give intelligent and hopefully helpful answers.) 

Dorian is 17 years old now - I know because we raised him from baby-birdhood, and he truly thinks he rules the roost.  Since his first language is English (instead of bird-squawks, which he also makes) it's really given my husband and me interesting insight on how hookbills think!  If I could draw worth a bird poo I would probably start a comic about him and his antics and demands.  For example, being an adult, he's decided that I'm his mate, and male birds show their interest by upchucking food for their intended.  If you've never had a bird slime your finger with yellow birdfood goo, you probably sleep a lot better than I do.  He's also constantly telling me what a good bird he is, and telling me that I'm a "good boo".  He knows I'm not a bird, so I guess I must be a "boo".  On the other hand, my name is Dru, and he calls both my husband, Al and me Dru, so I imagine he thinks "Dru" means "large,funny-looking featherless things that have food."

He also spends a significant amount of time on my lap with his head down so I can preen him.  Oh, you thought birds with their heads down to be "petted" were being affectionate?  Try again.  Birds don't just preen to straighten out their pretty feathers.  They nearly constantly grow new feathers which emerge from their skin in little rolled-up shafts covered with keratin; like little spears.  Part of what they're doing  is nipping at these keratin shafts, which become hard and uncomfortable.  Imagine your entire body covered with sharpened pencils that jab you every time you move the wrong way.  Once they crack those shafts the soft feather beneath can start to unfold.  So the cute, endearing head down on my lap is actually a demand for me to feel his neck for new feather shafts, because he can't reach those himself!!  But it's mutual, to be honest.  I crack his feather shafts and in return, he bites holes into my clothing for me.  It's a relationship.  No, really.

Oh, there he goes. He's off my lap and on his way to our bathroom, where he spends time each day building a cozy nest by shredding old magazines into tiny bits.  Hey, it's a hobby.  It keeps him happy and minimizes the amount of times I need to go wash yellow birdfood goo off my fingers.

There's so much more to tell about Dorian, and Polgara (the Amazon parrot) and Rover (the cockatoo) and about hookbills in general.  No doubt I'll come back soon with interesting stories about how he told me he wanted to taste my cheesecake without knowing the word, or how he made up his own word for "fudge".  Think about it in the meantime.